11/03/00 Bitter, sweet. a Slip Interlude Summary- An evolution of the heart. Notes- Scully's POV. (No, I'm not kidding.) Takes place in the "Slip" series, two days after the end of part ten, book one. Dedicated to all those asking for more in this series. I apologize for being so un-inspired. =========== They're so beautiful I could cry. Just standing there, discussing some plan or another. Three days ago I found out about them. Three days ago anger burned bitterly within me. But each moment I spend in their company throws a bit more water on that flame. Every instinct I have tells me to just let go, to just accept this... But I can't. I just can't. Because it makes a mockery of all I know. I've spent my life losing and hurting and learning. The past five years have been especially busy on that front. And all the lessons I've learned in that time tell me that Mulder being with Krycek is wrong. I'm used to simple explanations. I'm used to there being a set of rules that determine a right answer and a wrong one. That's the way I was raised, that's what my education taught me, and that's how things work in the X-Files. Rule: People who betray you and are members of the supposed conspiracy are not to be trusted, and should be avoided at all costs. Furthermore, all measures possible should be taken to ensure that these people pay for any crimes they have committed. Situation: Mulder claims to be in love with a person who betrayed us both and who has been connected to several incidents which are quite possibly part of a larger conspiracy. Analysis: Mulder is breaking a rule. Therefore, he is wrong, and I am right. Conclusion: Mulder should be removed from the situation and should receive counseling to help him understand the matter. Krycek should be arrested and prosecuted. That's the way I think through things. It's always worked before. So why do I feel, deep down, like I'm wrong? Maybe it's the way they are with each other. They've only been together for three days, yet they act as if they've haven't spent a moment apart since the beginning of time. When Mulder lays his hand on the back of Krycek's neck, it's with such ease that it just seems *right* somehow. The smile Mulder's wearing is a breathtaking thing to behold. I've known him for years now, and I've never seen his face so open. His happiness so free of underlying pain. That's it. He's *happy*. I've never known him happy before, so I have no frame of reference for it, but the way he moves, the way he speaks, the way he gazes out at the world with... with... with *optimism*, for Pete's sake! It all speaks of happiness. Of love. And I sense the same thing in Krycek. Which, if I'm correct in reading his emotions, means that Mulder isn't in any danger. Quite the opposite... if Krycek is really in love with him, he'd do anything to protect him. Mulder's safer than he ever was before. There's still a need in me to deny this. To deny that they're in love, to deny that it warms me inside to see them treating each other so gently. Accepting it means destroying my old belief system. One that has served me well. I watch Mulder, see him laugh. See him *shine* out at the world. I watch Krycek watch Mulder, watch Krycek smile and lean in for a kiss. Watch Mulder accept the brief kiss, and watch his smile grow impossibly brighter once it ends. I watch the smile. Who am I to deny that? My beliefs have served me well. But if they don't allow for Mulder to be happy, then what good are they? I feel myself growing a little, changing a little. I catch Mulder's eye, and grin at him. He smiles even wider, so wide I wonder how it's even physically possible. I want to cry. I did that. Krycek started the smile, but I made it wider. I did. But, instead of crying, I smile more. This isn't what I would have chosen for him. But this is what he chose. I can live with that. And maybe, just maybe, I can learn to understand it. Maybe I can even get to know Krycek, to see him as Mulder does. That would make Mulder even happier. He deserves that. And letting go of my anger makes me more free. Opens me to the possibility of being truly happy for him. We both deserve that. -=- End