Another meditation on an old theme...


07/24/00
Blindness
by Araxdelan


	Whenever Alex Krycek and I come together, it's like a union. I've
never completely understood the feeling, but it's always been there. He'll
appear, walk back into my life, and I can almost hear a click as we snap back
together.

	When he's around the world feels denser somehow. The air is always 
humid and charged, as though a storm is brewing. But there's never any storm,
just the two of us. Glaring, sometimes speaking words that really have no
purpose. Words that will fade from my mind as time passes. All that I'll
remember will be the heat of his breath and the husk in his voice and the
fire in his eyes.

	I don't understand any of it, but it fills me up somehow. There's 
just *so much* in me at those moments. It feels like I'm going to burst and
it feels like there's something I should be doing, or something I should 
know, but it's all out of reach. And it all builds until I can't take it 
anymore, until I can't think, until everything tries to pour out in the 
language of violence.

	But when I end the blows all of it is still there. More, maybe. And
he just *looks* at me, and wipes the blood from his face, and I want to grab
him. Shake him hit him touch him... I want to know his skin. What's under it.

	And before I know it he's gone. He slips away and the world seems so
empty. I feel like I'm the last person alive, as though I could walk for
miles and miles and feel no other presence. And then my mind clears and I get
up and go on with my life. Not because I want to, but because I don't know
what else to do. It all just seems so... pointless... after he's gone. It
feels like I should chase after him, like I should drown in the density
around us and keep searching until I understand why...

	But I never do.

	Instead I live with his shadow in my mind, and wonder.


Fin.

krycekluvsmulder@hotmail.com



"Love is blindness."