Merry Christmas Alex, I thank you for the most wonderful present, and for creating a home for me. Angel, for being a beautiful human being as you are. Karo, for your kindness and strength. Debra, for generosity and encouragement (Debra, where are you? Come out of the closet). Jadzia, for Safety and for safety. Niccie and Morgan for being gorgeous writers. All of you on this list I thank you all for being wonderful, kind and generous people as you are, for the beautiful stories you create, for the love you have in your hearts, for compassion and understanding. I hope you will be given love and happiness you deserve for the beauty of your souls. I wish you all Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Let all your wishes come true. I give you my gift, the only one I am able to give, and as clumsy and sad as it is I dare to hope it will make your day warmer, because it comes with all the love I have for you. Also there are two people I want to thank. Sting, for being so fabulous and talented singer (it's his song I use). Katia Gordeeva, for the beauty she brings to my life. The men will fight. Then men will love. The story is old. It is told again and again over time. The words that describe it will be repeated in the songs with every new life. The sun will rise again and leave again. The star will be born. The song will be sung again. It will be no less true than it was the first time. If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one... Alex Year one I woke up because of the cold and of the ache in my arm. But it was not there. The heat in the room was unbearable. Instead of the arm there was emptiness. It was my heart that was cold. The hollow in my chest where my heart was once. I can't go back to sleep. I can't go back to him who held me, and kissed me, and filled with life. That was a dream, a nightmare. I licked the frozen earth. The sharp pieces of ice cut my tongue. The dying fire reflected in my eyes and drove away the men who tried to help me. I hate winter without snow. The wind breaks against the hard black asphalt. I can't smell the sea but only ice. My hand, that is not there, touches the needles of the tree, green like my eyes, but I can't see the color in the mirror. They turned black. My body is broken and dead but I still can smell the green freshness of Christmas. Drying in the color of the evening sun… Fox Year two The skin on my face is dry. The traces of tears I licked from my fingers. If I were a dog I would lick the wounds in my heart to heal them. If I were a hero I would come in the glorious ship and save us. I am not a hero. I am lost. Standing barefooted in the middle of the room on the short path of gold. The sun is setting. And the only warm spot on the floor is getting smaller and smaller. My heart is getting smaller. It will disappear one day, and I will turn into my past lover. I will kill. I know I can. I am not a hero. If I have to become dead to stay with him so be it. The sun of this morning melted the snow. I wanted Christmas with the pillows of white feathers, with the blankets of stars. I wanted to see the eyes of my lover. I wanted to kiss his skin, and touch his soul. When the sun goes away, leave me the light of my love. Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away… Dana Year three My hair is wet, and if I cry he won't notice it, because the tears will fade with the rain on my face. He hunches. Stares into the stupid rain streams on the window. I can't see anything but there is life behind that deaf, gray liquid wall. I can hear the whisper of the road. Our car is floating in the sea of gray. We are drowned. It's Christmas Eve in the middle of nowhere. We are inside the rain. Why is the world crying when the Savior is born? Why am I crying? Because my heart is broken? It's not. But his is bleeding from the wound. He doesn't talk to me, but his hand squeezes mine so hard. Don't leave me, he asked. How can I? I said. We are inside the rain. But something in our minds will always stay… Fox Year four Love. Is the only thing that makes sense. The only thing that explains everything. The only thing that is worth to believe in. If you return to me, we will go back in time to the place where we were born and start again. In the evening with the light of the new star. With the hands giving the gift. With the words saying the payer. Come back to me, and we'll create a new world. Where lovers don't hide, where rain doesn't cry, where fire doesn't burn, and the knife doesn't cut. I’ll give you the food and the shelter. I’ll wash away the blood and dirt. Come back to me to be born again. Perhaps this final act was meant To clinch a lifetime's argument… Alex Year five There was always a dark alley, and always somebody behind you. His heavy breath was on the skin of your neck. There was always a lot of running, hard fall on the ground. There was always hit and pain, but no hitting back. There was always fight. There was always the wrong choice. If you want to feel my skin, touch me with hatred. If you want to taste my love, make me bleed. There was always pain. There is no anymore. There were silence and soft steps. There was warmth, and clean air, and blue-green light. There was snow falling in the arms of earth. There was waiting. Then there was a guest. Words spoken between kisses. Fingers dancing on the skin. Snow flakes swirling over the world. The night was silent. Holy night. That nothing comes from violence And nothing ever could… Walter Year six I was dreaming of a white Christmas. I was dreaming of a family. The hands of my wife. The laughter of my children, eyes shining in anticipation of the presents. I was dreaming of the warmth, surrounding my heart. The door, opened wide, the white smoke of the cold from outside, and my friends with their hands empty of weapon, with their words sincere, their wishes kind. I saw the blinking of garlands. I saw the stars smiling. I don't have a home anymore. I don't have a family. And I am not sure if I have friends. The woman I loved is hard and cold, almost cruel in her hatred, the sense of justice that was in her heart turned her into an insane crusader. The man I admired for the kindness and fairness drowned in the dark obsession. The man I hated is a mad fighter, who will sacrifice every one of us without hesitation if that's what has to be done. I fight side by side with him only because I know, he will sacrifice himself as well. We spent a chilling, snowless Christmas together. We don't talk. We eat tasteless food. Then we go to sleep in the same silent, pathetically lonely manner. She is crying soundlessly, I can see her shoulders trembling. She does it every night. They are in another room. I can hear the breathing of their flesh. I can hear the beating of my hatred and envy. It's not a real feeling but a ghost of past. I neither hate them nor I am envious. I love them as I love life, as I love the light in her eyes, as I love the water for it soothes my thirst, the bread, for it calms my hunger, the earth, for it's my home. I fall asleep. I am dreaming of a white Christmas. For all those born beneath an angry star Lest we forget how fragile we are… Fox Year seven I can't see you in the light of the moon. You are all gold and silver. You are all fire. I don't touch you. Can only watch, but I don't see. I look at you lightened by the stars. The scars made by angry life. The wounds of raging war. Who gave you so much beauty? Who has taken the innocence from you? You can sleep only with your fingers entwined with mine. You smile only for me. You laugh only with me. You talk only to me. You trust me. And I thank you for it. I am still afraid to touch you. Afraid the touch will turn into hit. I am afraid to look away because you may disappear. Are you a dream? Don't fade away. Don't disappear with the sunlight. This night the miracle begins. The new star rises. And I shall be strong for you. On and on, the rain will fall Like tears from a star… Alex At the New Beginning Have you seen how candles cry? They hear the music of your sorrow, and they cry with you for those who are not here anymore, for those who left you, for those who you let to leave. The snow cries in the spring, and disappears in the black moist warmth of the earth. Birds in the morning, do they sing or cry? We used to put the decorations on the Christmas tree. We called it rain. The long, shiny, thin threads, straps of foil, from the top to the floor. It was slipping through my fingers, an endless stream of silver, silk, like you hair. Like the rain in the winter. As if the clouds were warmed by our love and ice turned back into water. As if our love is enough to light the world. As if the sun is resting in heaven. And the absence of faith, disappointment, and crime can't prevent you from going into the holy ground, home, where candles burn day and night, lighted by the loving hearts. On and on, the rain will say How fragile we are… Fox At the New Beginning I know that if I wake up and you are not here, I’ll find you near the window. I also know, you don't notice the cold even though you are freezing. I’ll cover you with my body. The world is so silent. No sound, but I hear the beating of your heart and this is all I need. This Christmas will be white. The snowflakes are so slow, we can see how beautiful they are, dancing in the air. My love's heart will ache. But I will be there with him. To mourn, and to remember. To forgive because that is what he needs. Love is what I can give him, because it is the only thing I truly own, and it is the only thing that can't be own. It is supposed to be given to those who need it the most. The woman who followed me with fear, who fought my ghosts, who trusted me without belief, who loved me without passion, will come to my home that I share with my lover. Her acceptance heals us. The men, who stayed me friends through betrayal and war, will be here sharing our meal. When did the world turn white? Was it when you came to me? Was it when the war stopped? Was it when we believed? I am holding you in my arms. I cover you shoulders with kisses. I feel how you tremble in my arms. I can't trust my arms to protect you. How fragile we are. But the stars are watching over us. The End Lissa Fragile Sting If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one Drying in the color of the evening sun Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away But something in our minds will always stay Perhaps this final act was meant To clinch a lifetime's argument That nothing comes from violence And nothing ever could For all those born beneath an angry star Lest we forget how fragile we are On and on, the rain will fall Like tears from a star Like tears from a star On and on, the rain will say How fragile we are How fragile we are Sting From “Nothing but the Sun”