Lamentations

Story finished on 04/18/00
Entry written 04/27/00

I started this story in January. At first, it was just a little vignette on death, but as I wrote I began weaving a whole new life for Mulder. As soon as I began doing this I knew it would be more than a short look at the feelings surrounding death. I knew that I would have to have Krycek come back to Mulder.

As soon as I had decided to do this, the plot seemed to spin itself out. Before I even ended the prologue section, I knew exactly how the rest of the story would go.

Looking back, I don't know exactly why I cast Mulder as a teacher. I suppose it may be because I've always been fascinated by teaching, and because I think Mulder would make a wonderful teacher. When I decided to advance the story, and give Mulder a classroom full of students, there was no doubt in my mind about who they would be.

Seventh grade was the best year of my elementary school career. Somehow I managed to become one of the popular kids, and everything my friends and I did seemed vibrant and funny. And our teacher, the wonderful Mrs. Warden, had just come out of teaching school. We were her first class, and she was easy to manipulate. She was also easy to be friends with. It was almost natural to put Mulder in her place. And it was even more wonderfully fun to have the seventh grade version of myself tease him.

When I first began writing the story, I only got to the part where Krycek and Mulder were walking home. Although I was having fun, I grew tired. I came back to the story the next day, reread it, and decided I had a little too much fun. I thought that no one would want to read so much about a classroom full of kids. I thought the set up was too implausible. I thought that Mulder, and possibly Krycek, was out of character. I put the story down.

But a few months later I was considering writing myself another indulgent birthday story, as I had the year before. I was throwing some plot ideas out, but I finally decided that I'd like nothing better than to finish the story I had started in January. So, I picked it up again.

I gave myself permission to go all out with this story. To add anything on a whim, no matter how ridiculous. Which made writing the story an absolute delight. Without worrying about things getting too schmoopy, or writing the characters in a way that others might consider out of character, the story just... flew. The words flowed out of me, and silly little plot points, like the picture by the bedside, developed.

I was quite surprised as the story grew in size. It just seemed to get longer and longer, and I knew I could no longer claim I was incapable of writing anything but short stories.

The story also surprised me as far as the emotions go. Mulder and Krycek were in an unusual emotional place; still mourning even though they had discovered that the other was alive. Writing that was interesting. But getting into Mulder's head during such moments was difficult. Reading scenes where either Mulder or Krycek is feeling pain over something that's happened to the other always moves me. Writing it made the emotions that much more real.

Umm... other than that, I don't know what to say. I'm pleased with the story, but considering that it was an indulgence of every silly whim I had, it would be hard not to like it. I hope everyone else liked it, too.

Oh, I also made a request for someone to write Krycek's side of things. This is because, while writing some of the scenes (especially the one where he finds the picture on the mantel, and the one on the bedside table) I had a deep urge to know what Krycek was thinking. I'm considering writing it myself, but due to problems in real life and a full plate of stories that need to be finished, it's unlikely that I'll have time to write it myself. My fingers are crossed, hoping that someone will write it for me.

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